I woke up around 5 AM but stayed in bed for another hour. I was drifting in and out of sleep. Every time I woke up I prayed for people. When I finally got up I did not get on my knees to pray. It wasn't until later, while I was out running errands, that I realized I had already forgotten to do it. As I was driving I decided to do so as soon as I got home. That didn't happen.
Last night I had decided to start my fast today. I figure if I make it the seven days until I check into the clinic then maybe I can cut my clinic stay short. Not that I don't think it would be nice to stay there, but it would give me more time with mom and it would cost less money. I did pretty good until I got back from grocery shopping. I figure a little butter won't hurt which I followed with some veggie broth. I also bought a bunch of veggies to make more broth. About an hour later I was going to put the buffalo ribs and grouper I had cooked yesterday in the freezer but ended up eating them. That just frustrated me and immediately I wanted to chew and spit. WTH??
I guess emotionally it would have been easier to deal with the failure of chewing and spitting than to deal with the failure of eating. And I am worried about gaining weight. I have already gained about a whole jeans size in one week and really don't want to gain anymore, but my hunger seems out of control again. Maybe it's the butter causing cravings and/or weight gain.
So I finally went upstairs, got on my knees and all I could get out was, "help me...please help me". I don't know what is wrong with me today. I can't seem to focus on anything. I have books to read, Spanish to learn, shows to watch, but all I can think about is going to the store to get some nuts so I can chew and spit. And then what?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
on my knees
For months now I have quite frequently felt this overwhelming urge to get on my knees and pray. I don't think it's God indicating if I am not on my knees my prayers won't be answered, but more of a desperation and frustration in my heart. Yet most of the time I don't. Sometimes I don't even stop to pray when I have the overwhelming feeling. But last night I decided that I would start today. Something needs to happen with my health and more prayer can only help. Today I got on my knees and I plan on getting on my knees every day to pray.
After the fast last year, which wasn't a strict water fast after all, I started eating zero carb (ZC). It has been helpful in some respects but I still feel like crap most of the time. I don't understand why. Could it really all be related to candida overgrowth and/or die off? It's so confusing.
I lost weight through fasting and that helped me to feel better overall. With ZC I was able to maintain that weight loss for the most part. I did cheat a few times and that set me back every time. Over the holidays I chewed some sugar free gum and had some sugar free cough drops because I feel self-conscious about my bad breath. Both had aspartame and some claim that candida will feed even on aspartame. Maybe that's why I feel worse.
While in Germany last year November my heart rate issue started improving. I remember walking mom's dog one morning and realizing that my HR was normal. I was even on a slight uphill and it was only 90 bpm. I was THRILLED. This continued for a while when I got home and then suddenly - not sure exactly when - it got worse again. I guess it was sometime in December that it started getting worse. On 12.16. I had a septoplasty and it seems since then it's been even worse. I had stopped taking the beta blockers in October but for the last month have taken it again quite a few times.
It appears that some foods like palm oil and goose for example, are making it much worse, but it is so hard to tell. I still sometimes wonder if it's due to my thyroid medication (Cytomel) but I have even cut it out completely one day and still had HR issues the next morning. Last week it was 138 one morning just from getting out of bed. The next day it was only 90 getting out of bed. I can't figure out why and that is the hardest thing of all. I am so tired of being tired and short of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.
Other than the HR issue I felt really good about a week after surgery. I had great energy, I was positive, my appetite was fine, I was maintaining my weight. On 12.26. I felt so good it was 3 PM when I realized I hadn't taken my 11:30 AM dose of hydrocortisone. I didn't even feel like I needed it but I took it then and my evening dose a little later. Driving home from MIL's house I was so excited, telling DH how good I feel and that it's time to reduce the hydrocortisone even more. The next morning I woke up feeling miserable - swollen eye lids, pain, fatigue, puffy face, etc. I didn't know what happened but I felt like staying in bed all day. Since that day I have felt miserable every single day.
Since I am going to Germany and will be starting a 21-day medically supervised fast a week from tomorrow, I guess I should just try to forget about it for now. Maybe I just need to take my beta blocker so I can have a relatively normal day and assume that all this will be resolved during the 21 day fast. But I am scared. I am trying not to be but it's not easy. There seems to be nothing left to eat that doesn't cause some kind of reaction - usually not a pleasant reaction. Turkey and fish were the only things I tolerated, but as far as I can tell I am even reacting to turkey now. I have a headache daily. My eye lids are swollen daily. For some reason I have put on quite a bit of weight in just one week because my jeans have gone from hanging on me to clinging to me. Again, I have no idea why and it is all SO frustrating.
At this point I am not even asking God for healing all that much anymore. Mostly I am just asking him for answers. I just want to know WHAT is causing my health issues. Is it really "just" fungal and bacterial overgrowth? I would especially like to know if the heart rate issue is due to fungal overgrowth or die off. And I don't understand why I am not getting better. Granted I have had periods of improvement, but they are usually followed by huge setbacks. It seems other people on GAPS, ZC, and the like improve, have a small setback, then keep improving. I on the other hand feel I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Why?
The other question I have is regarding hormones. I am still on 40 to 80 mg of progesterone cream and also testosterone cream. Some doctors claim that excess progesterone feeds candida. Some claim any hormones, synthetic or bio-identical, will feed candida. I am in the process of weaning off the hydrocortisone, but should I also wean off the progesterone? I don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the doctors at the fasting clinic, but I don't know anything about them and whether I trust them regarding my hormones. Dr. Franklin in Austin feels I need to stay on them. He disagrees that progesterone accumulates in your fat cells and you have an excess. He says if you have too much it will show up on a blood test and mine has always been low. Then there's the whole debate on blood tests versus saliva tests for hormones. Some say one is better than the other and quite frankly I don't know what to believe anymore.
After the fast last year, which wasn't a strict water fast after all, I started eating zero carb (ZC). It has been helpful in some respects but I still feel like crap most of the time. I don't understand why. Could it really all be related to candida overgrowth and/or die off? It's so confusing.
I lost weight through fasting and that helped me to feel better overall. With ZC I was able to maintain that weight loss for the most part. I did cheat a few times and that set me back every time. Over the holidays I chewed some sugar free gum and had some sugar free cough drops because I feel self-conscious about my bad breath. Both had aspartame and some claim that candida will feed even on aspartame. Maybe that's why I feel worse.
While in Germany last year November my heart rate issue started improving. I remember walking mom's dog one morning and realizing that my HR was normal. I was even on a slight uphill and it was only 90 bpm. I was THRILLED. This continued for a while when I got home and then suddenly - not sure exactly when - it got worse again. I guess it was sometime in December that it started getting worse. On 12.16. I had a septoplasty and it seems since then it's been even worse. I had stopped taking the beta blockers in October but for the last month have taken it again quite a few times.
It appears that some foods like palm oil and goose for example, are making it much worse, but it is so hard to tell. I still sometimes wonder if it's due to my thyroid medication (Cytomel) but I have even cut it out completely one day and still had HR issues the next morning. Last week it was 138 one morning just from getting out of bed. The next day it was only 90 getting out of bed. I can't figure out why and that is the hardest thing of all. I am so tired of being tired and short of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.
Other than the HR issue I felt really good about a week after surgery. I had great energy, I was positive, my appetite was fine, I was maintaining my weight. On 12.26. I felt so good it was 3 PM when I realized I hadn't taken my 11:30 AM dose of hydrocortisone. I didn't even feel like I needed it but I took it then and my evening dose a little later. Driving home from MIL's house I was so excited, telling DH how good I feel and that it's time to reduce the hydrocortisone even more. The next morning I woke up feeling miserable - swollen eye lids, pain, fatigue, puffy face, etc. I didn't know what happened but I felt like staying in bed all day. Since that day I have felt miserable every single day.
Since I am going to Germany and will be starting a 21-day medically supervised fast a week from tomorrow, I guess I should just try to forget about it for now. Maybe I just need to take my beta blocker so I can have a relatively normal day and assume that all this will be resolved during the 21 day fast. But I am scared. I am trying not to be but it's not easy. There seems to be nothing left to eat that doesn't cause some kind of reaction - usually not a pleasant reaction. Turkey and fish were the only things I tolerated, but as far as I can tell I am even reacting to turkey now. I have a headache daily. My eye lids are swollen daily. For some reason I have put on quite a bit of weight in just one week because my jeans have gone from hanging on me to clinging to me. Again, I have no idea why and it is all SO frustrating.
At this point I am not even asking God for healing all that much anymore. Mostly I am just asking him for answers. I just want to know WHAT is causing my health issues. Is it really "just" fungal and bacterial overgrowth? I would especially like to know if the heart rate issue is due to fungal overgrowth or die off. And I don't understand why I am not getting better. Granted I have had periods of improvement, but they are usually followed by huge setbacks. It seems other people on GAPS, ZC, and the like improve, have a small setback, then keep improving. I on the other hand feel I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Why?
The other question I have is regarding hormones. I am still on 40 to 80 mg of progesterone cream and also testosterone cream. Some doctors claim that excess progesterone feeds candida. Some claim any hormones, synthetic or bio-identical, will feed candida. I am in the process of weaning off the hydrocortisone, but should I also wean off the progesterone? I don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the doctors at the fasting clinic, but I don't know anything about them and whether I trust them regarding my hormones. Dr. Franklin in Austin feels I need to stay on them. He disagrees that progesterone accumulates in your fat cells and you have an excess. He says if you have too much it will show up on a blood test and mine has always been low. Then there's the whole debate on blood tests versus saliva tests for hormones. Some say one is better than the other and quite frankly I don't know what to believe anymore.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
::day 3::
Today is my third day of water fasting and I really want some coffee or green tea. The first two days were relatively easy and I even exercised, but today I am feeling it. My whole body is achy, I am tired, my tongue has a white coating on it, and I have a headache. I doubt I will be able to exercise today. I am wondering if I need to switch to broth/tea/water fasting rather than just water fasting. Or maybe do 2 days with broth/juice and then 2 days with just water.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
::SIBO::
I finished a 7-day course of Xifaxan (an antibiotic used for the treatment of SIBO - Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth) along with an antifungal and it has done absolutely nothing for me. I still look like I am 3 months pregnant when I wake up and I look about 6 to 7 months pregnant after I eat and feel absolutely miserable.
My next step - I think - will be a 14 day water fast. I really don't know what else to try.
My next step - I think - will be a 14 day water fast. I really don't know what else to try.
Monday, May 4, 2009
::back to reality::
I have spent most of my life unaware. I don't remember about 98% of my childhood, or my teenage years, twenties, and to some degree my thirties are a blurr. For a while it had gotten better but here lately I feel like I am "gone" again - I mean mentally.
Today I was sitting at my laptop and I realized that I spend most of my day in denial. I read and hear so much about how we need to think positive thoughts and focus on what we want rather than what we have, but it sure hasn't gotten me anywhere. I was perfectly happy and positive last year when my health was improving and then suddenly it started going down hill. Now I tell myself all day long that I AM getting better or that I am already healthy and then at one point reality hits.
I am NOT healthy right now and every day is an effin struggle. There I said it. I wake up wishing the day was over. I get on my knees and beg God to give me wisdom and clarity and to lead me to the person who can at least tell me WHY I have the symptoms I have. I break down and cry, asking Him for something, ANYTHING. I get nothing. I feel numb, disappointed, angry, scared, discouraged, frustrated, and ready to give up.
Is it a surprise that I live in denial more often than not?
Today I was sitting at my laptop and I realized that I spend most of my day in denial. I read and hear so much about how we need to think positive thoughts and focus on what we want rather than what we have, but it sure hasn't gotten me anywhere. I was perfectly happy and positive last year when my health was improving and then suddenly it started going down hill. Now I tell myself all day long that I AM getting better or that I am already healthy and then at one point reality hits.
I am NOT healthy right now and every day is an effin struggle. There I said it. I wake up wishing the day was over. I get on my knees and beg God to give me wisdom and clarity and to lead me to the person who can at least tell me WHY I have the symptoms I have. I break down and cry, asking Him for something, ANYTHING. I get nothing. I feel numb, disappointed, angry, scared, discouraged, frustrated, and ready to give up.
Is it a surprise that I live in denial more often than not?
Friday, May 1, 2009
::life::
I wonder why some people have a seemingly great life while others struggle along and are hit with one hardship after another. I realize I am throwing myself a pity-party here, but I am wondering when it gets better. When does life become enjoyable? When do I wake up looking forward to the day rather than wondering how I am going to make it through the day today.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
::Dr. Bolte Update::
My trip to NY was good. I really enjoyed walking around and seeing the sites. Dr. Bolte was nice and spent about 3 1/2 hours with me but I am unsure of how I feel about it. He had me do a stool tests with Genova Diagnostics and also a leaky gut test. I was somewhat disappointed because he is known for solving medical mysteries but for now he is going down the same road as every other doctor - bacteria, leaky gut, stool, etc. I feel I have addressed those issues extensively and that there is something else going on. I am still waiting on the test results.
In the meantime I have had bloody urine twice, flank pain that has now stopped, blood in my stool, and am more fatigued. A urinalysis revealed a pretty bad kidney infection. To avoid taking antibiotics I started taking D-Mannose and hope it will clear it up. I guess it could explain why I have been feeling even more fatigued and why my WBC keeps going down.
I also had some more blood tests done and my aldosterone continues to be high - even higher than the first time. The question is why. The abodminal CT would have revealed an adrenal tumor. I guess it could be a pituitary tumor but I doubt it. So there must be some external reasong for it (secondary hyperaldosteronism). High aldosterone will cause loss of potassium which can result in edema - I sure have a lot of that!
There was another disappointing thing about Dr. Bolte. He feels that Synthroid is better than Armour which I SO do not agree with. He also feels I need to stop taking hydrocortisone and my thyroid medication. That's great - I am all for getting off meds - but with all the stress we currently have trying to move there is no way I can make it without hydrocortisone. I feel I need to stay on it a little longer until we have moved and are settled in. Furthermore, I already gained 14 lbs which I would like to lose. Going off thyroid meds sure won't help me do so.
In an effort to get some hormonal balance I contacted Dr. Franklin's receptionist. He is an old friend from Austin that initially helped me with bio-identical hormones. There is an annual fee for seeing him but it's only $295. Given the fact that some doctors charge that for one visit I didn't think it was bad at all. I was asking some more questions about consultations, fees, etc. and also if he is familiar with hydrocortisone and cytomel (they thyroid med I currently take) and his receptionist said he would waive the annual fee AND he is very familiar with cytomel. I felt SO relieved. I used to trust him with my hormones and while it is hard to trust anybody at this point because I have been misdiagnosed and made worse so many times, if I can't trust him I don't know who I would trust. So it looks like I will start "seeing" him again and I am praying that he can bring my body back into balance. I have been feeling SO miserable and just want to be better.
I am also still on GAPS. I started the intro on 04.20.2009, made it about 7 days, then messed up with too much honey and nut butter. The latter is not supposed to be introduced until stage four or five I believe. So today I am starting over. I am hoping that working with Dr. Franklin on my hormones and doing GAPS will finally allow me to get back to where I need to be. I am SO tired of feeling lousy and having a pregnant looking belly every day since November.
Speaking of pregnant - I watched Knocked Up today again and I cried during the birth. There are many reasons I regret that I had a hysterectomy, and sometimes it's because I cannot have children. There are days - like today- when I am SO sad about the fact that I will never know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of me. And that I will never experience the love you can only have for a child - your own child. I have made a lot of wrong decisions in the past few years and I hope that going forward I will make the right decisions. I am praying for wisdom and clarity.
In the meantime I have had bloody urine twice, flank pain that has now stopped, blood in my stool, and am more fatigued. A urinalysis revealed a pretty bad kidney infection. To avoid taking antibiotics I started taking D-Mannose and hope it will clear it up. I guess it could explain why I have been feeling even more fatigued and why my WBC keeps going down.
I also had some more blood tests done and my aldosterone continues to be high - even higher than the first time. The question is why. The abodminal CT would have revealed an adrenal tumor. I guess it could be a pituitary tumor but I doubt it. So there must be some external reasong for it (secondary hyperaldosteronism). High aldosterone will cause loss of potassium which can result in edema - I sure have a lot of that!
There was another disappointing thing about Dr. Bolte. He feels that Synthroid is better than Armour which I SO do not agree with. He also feels I need to stop taking hydrocortisone and my thyroid medication. That's great - I am all for getting off meds - but with all the stress we currently have trying to move there is no way I can make it without hydrocortisone. I feel I need to stay on it a little longer until we have moved and are settled in. Furthermore, I already gained 14 lbs which I would like to lose. Going off thyroid meds sure won't help me do so.
In an effort to get some hormonal balance I contacted Dr. Franklin's receptionist. He is an old friend from Austin that initially helped me with bio-identical hormones. There is an annual fee for seeing him but it's only $295. Given the fact that some doctors charge that for one visit I didn't think it was bad at all. I was asking some more questions about consultations, fees, etc. and also if he is familiar with hydrocortisone and cytomel (they thyroid med I currently take) and his receptionist said he would waive the annual fee AND he is very familiar with cytomel. I felt SO relieved. I used to trust him with my hormones and while it is hard to trust anybody at this point because I have been misdiagnosed and made worse so many times, if I can't trust him I don't know who I would trust. So it looks like I will start "seeing" him again and I am praying that he can bring my body back into balance. I have been feeling SO miserable and just want to be better.
I am also still on GAPS. I started the intro on 04.20.2009, made it about 7 days, then messed up with too much honey and nut butter. The latter is not supposed to be introduced until stage four or five I believe. So today I am starting over. I am hoping that working with Dr. Franklin on my hormones and doing GAPS will finally allow me to get back to where I need to be. I am SO tired of feeling lousy and having a pregnant looking belly every day since November.
Speaking of pregnant - I watched Knocked Up today again and I cried during the birth. There are many reasons I regret that I had a hysterectomy, and sometimes it's because I cannot have children. There are days - like today- when I am SO sad about the fact that I will never know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of me. And that I will never experience the love you can only have for a child - your own child. I have made a lot of wrong decisions in the past few years and I hope that going forward I will make the right decisions. I am praying for wisdom and clarity.
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