First day of 21 days of fasting….! Since I am fasting at a clinic, I should point out that I will be talking about colonics, bowel movements, etc. Just in case anybody reading this is squeamish.
Anyway, I got up and had some decaffeinated green tea, my meds, and otherwise just water. Mom made some bacon and that was tough. I LOVE bacon and I love the smell of bacon.
Simone drove me to the clinic. Mom was scared to drive because of all the snow we got last night. It was good though because it gave me some time to hang out with Simone and just talk. Plus she is considering spending a week here while I am here so she got to see the place. We got here around 1:15 PM, I checked in, and we went up to my room. It’s small but nice with a roughly twin size bed, a window overlooking a forest, a nightstand, small desk, closet, two chairs and a small (slightly bigger than cruise cabin size) bathroom.
They also put a bottle of sparkling water in the room. YES! I love that stuff. In the bathroom there was a cup with a bit of water and some grainy stuff on the bottom. A little sign indicate that this is Epsom salt which I am supposed to drink every night – YIKES – to assist my body in getting “cleaned”. There was also some sign about some sort of wrap that you get every day while during the “resting” period and it comes in a potato sack which is then to be deposited in designated bins in the hallway. The wraps supposedly help the immune system and circulation.
We took a quick tour of the place and found the pool, sauna, laundry room, internet room (small room with one desktop and one addition internet cable), library, and the two “dining” rooms. One is for people who are eating and the other one is for people who are fasting. Both have a tea and water station with all kinds of different herbal teas. I also found some green tea which I had a cup. I didn’t think caffeine of any kind was allowed during fasting but I figure I may as well have one until I am told I shouldn’t. They also have hot ginger water which I know is very beneficial. I always have good intentions of drinking it daily at home but then never stick to it.
After Simone left I unpacked and then started a load of laundry. I took a bathrobe and some sweatshirts from mom’s house and once I got here I thought they smelled like smoke. I am waiting on those to be done right now.
At 5:10 PM today I have my “entry exam” with one of the doctors. Around 5:30 PM they are doing a tour of the building for all the people who checked in today and the receptionist said it would be to my benefit to try and make it. Apparently they do one every day but she said it’s good to do it the first night and it tends to start a bit late so I should be able to catch up to them after my doctor’s appointment.
Tomorrow at 7:30 AM I am getting my first colonic and at 9 AM I get my first hot/cold herbal foot bath. I guess they don’t mess around. Between the daily Epsom salt and the daily colonics I am going to have the cleanest colon of them all.
They have various free activities every day like guided hikes, excursions into town (on foot) to teach you about groceries, Pilates, music programs, stretching, and more. So they definitely keep you busy which is nice.
I guess that’s it for now. I will update the blog later tonight before I head to bed. It would be nice if I could do so from my room, but at the same time I am glad I don’t have internet access in my room. It would be too tempting to just browse the net all the time. Instead I want to focus on God and the spiritual aspect of fasting.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
leaving
Whatever was going on with me two days ago was over yesterday. I felt miserable physically but emotionally I felt much better. I also ate something which I should have done all along. But I can't change the past. And I had no desire to chew and spit.
Today I am flying to Germany. I am excited, apprehensive, and also sad. Saying good-bye to Bob at the airport will be hard. A month is a long time to be separated and I "worry" about him. I know he will be ok, but I also know he doesn't like being alone. And it will be different for me as well. Normally I am with mom and I stay busy for the most part with walking the dog, spending time with her, browsing the internet, seeing friends, etc. But this time I will be in a clinic, I will not have internet access in my room (this is a good thing), and I will have a lot of time to myself. I hope to use that time to focus on God, strengthen my relationship with Him, and REALLY get to know Him. And I hope to spend more time learning Spanish and reading versus watching TV and sitting at this computer.
Today I am flying to Germany. I am excited, apprehensive, and also sad. Saying good-bye to Bob at the airport will be hard. A month is a long time to be separated and I "worry" about him. I know he will be ok, but I also know he doesn't like being alone. And it will be different for me as well. Normally I am with mom and I stay busy for the most part with walking the dog, spending time with her, browsing the internet, seeing friends, etc. But this time I will be in a clinic, I will not have internet access in my room (this is a good thing), and I will have a lot of time to myself. I hope to use that time to focus on God, strengthen my relationship with Him, and REALLY get to know Him. And I hope to spend more time learning Spanish and reading versus watching TV and sitting at this computer.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
still going
I am chewing and spitting again. I was walking around the store earlier telling myself not to do it, not to buy anything that I could even use but then I did anyhow. I am in that dark place today that I can't seem to get out of. The only emotion I can muster is anger. I can't even feel any empathy or sadness for the earthquake victims in Haiti or their families. I don't WANT to be this way but I can't seem to change it. And it's not because my clothes are tighter. They were tight yesterday but I was in a GREAT mood. I want to stop!
crud
Haven't been on my knees at all. Actually, I feel totally disconnected from God today. Yesterday I was in a great, joyful mood and felt pretty good. It's that weird mood where I make everything out to be ok and even justify chewing and spitting. So I did. I don't even feel any great remorse or guilt about it today like I normally do. What the hell is wrong with me?
I also have a headache and backache today and didn't yesterday. I am screwing with my body and it scares me. The weight gain is "killing" me and that scares me, too. It makes me realize how much of a hold this ED still has on me.
This too shall pass!
I also have a headache and backache today and didn't yesterday. I am screwing with my body and it scares me. The weight gain is "killing" me and that scares me, too. It makes me realize how much of a hold this ED still has on me.
This too shall pass!
Monday, January 11, 2010
starting over - again
Yesterday sucked. The whole day was a struggle. Starting some time in the afternoon I wanted to chew and spit. I didn't get back down on my knees, but I kept praying silently. I asked God to help me. This is where I don't understand 12 step programs. If *I* am powerless and I am asking God to help me, then why did I end up chewing and spitting anyhow which I now totally regret? I even called a friend but she was working on finances with her husband so I didn't want to bother her. At 6:30 PM I drove to the store, bought a bag of walnuts, came home, ground them into walnut butter, and then sat at my laptop for a while with the bowl of walnut butter next to me. I got a text message from Sarai. I could have told her then but I was too far gone. Even so, I sat there for about 30 to 40 minutes writing back and forth with Sarai and in the end gave in anyhow. I was so sure that I wasn't going to do it in 2010 yet here I am on day 10 already giving in.
Two weeks ago I was happy, had good energy, and overall felt pretty good. I woke up looking forward to the day ahead. Now I wake up and I feel this darkness and gloom like I did several months ago. I wish I could just go back to sleep and stay asleep until all this is over. The question is, WILL it ever be over? Why is my health not improving? If it's fungal overgrowth, why isn't it getting better? Is it a spiritual attack and if so, will Satan ever let up?
Not only do I feel dark and gloomy, but I am void of any emotion. Back in November when I started feeling better I also felt more connected to God, could think more clearly, and had more compassion. Now I feel no connection to God and nothing seems to phase me one way or another. A friend posted on FB that one of her friends' 10 year old daughter is having open heart surgery today. She asked for prayer. I felt nothing when I read it. How can I be so cold? How can I not care about a little girl having such a dangerous procedure?
So here I am...starting over once again. Determined not to give in to my eating disorder anymore. How many times have I said this? I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. It's not living.
I would really like to talk about this on the ZC forum, but I am "afraid" of the bashing I am going to get. One of the members assumed right away that I wasn't going to make it then was impressed when I was still there after a month. Who says something like that? And so many of the women with EDs on there are doing really well yet I am not. I am still chewing and spitting. It's embarrassing. But I thought it would be really helpful if I had an accountability partner FROM the ZC forum. I am not sure anybody would be up for it but I'll never find out because I am afraid to post about my slip up yesterday.
Two weeks ago I was happy, had good energy, and overall felt pretty good. I woke up looking forward to the day ahead. Now I wake up and I feel this darkness and gloom like I did several months ago. I wish I could just go back to sleep and stay asleep until all this is over. The question is, WILL it ever be over? Why is my health not improving? If it's fungal overgrowth, why isn't it getting better? Is it a spiritual attack and if so, will Satan ever let up?
Not only do I feel dark and gloomy, but I am void of any emotion. Back in November when I started feeling better I also felt more connected to God, could think more clearly, and had more compassion. Now I feel no connection to God and nothing seems to phase me one way or another. A friend posted on FB that one of her friends' 10 year old daughter is having open heart surgery today. She asked for prayer. I felt nothing when I read it. How can I be so cold? How can I not care about a little girl having such a dangerous procedure?
So here I am...starting over once again. Determined not to give in to my eating disorder anymore. How many times have I said this? I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. It's not living.
I would really like to talk about this on the ZC forum, but I am "afraid" of the bashing I am going to get. One of the members assumed right away that I wasn't going to make it then was impressed when I was still there after a month. Who says something like that? And so many of the women with EDs on there are doing really well yet I am not. I am still chewing and spitting. It's embarrassing. But I thought it would be really helpful if I had an accountability partner FROM the ZC forum. I am not sure anybody would be up for it but I'll never find out because I am afraid to post about my slip up yesterday.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
rough day
I woke up around 5 AM but stayed in bed for another hour. I was drifting in and out of sleep. Every time I woke up I prayed for people. When I finally got up I did not get on my knees to pray. It wasn't until later, while I was out running errands, that I realized I had already forgotten to do it. As I was driving I decided to do so as soon as I got home. That didn't happen.
Last night I had decided to start my fast today. I figure if I make it the seven days until I check into the clinic then maybe I can cut my clinic stay short. Not that I don't think it would be nice to stay there, but it would give me more time with mom and it would cost less money. I did pretty good until I got back from grocery shopping. I figure a little butter won't hurt which I followed with some veggie broth. I also bought a bunch of veggies to make more broth. About an hour later I was going to put the buffalo ribs and grouper I had cooked yesterday in the freezer but ended up eating them. That just frustrated me and immediately I wanted to chew and spit. WTH??
I guess emotionally it would have been easier to deal with the failure of chewing and spitting than to deal with the failure of eating. And I am worried about gaining weight. I have already gained about a whole jeans size in one week and really don't want to gain anymore, but my hunger seems out of control again. Maybe it's the butter causing cravings and/or weight gain.
So I finally went upstairs, got on my knees and all I could get out was, "help me...please help me". I don't know what is wrong with me today. I can't seem to focus on anything. I have books to read, Spanish to learn, shows to watch, but all I can think about is going to the store to get some nuts so I can chew and spit. And then what?
Last night I had decided to start my fast today. I figure if I make it the seven days until I check into the clinic then maybe I can cut my clinic stay short. Not that I don't think it would be nice to stay there, but it would give me more time with mom and it would cost less money. I did pretty good until I got back from grocery shopping. I figure a little butter won't hurt which I followed with some veggie broth. I also bought a bunch of veggies to make more broth. About an hour later I was going to put the buffalo ribs and grouper I had cooked yesterday in the freezer but ended up eating them. That just frustrated me and immediately I wanted to chew and spit. WTH??
I guess emotionally it would have been easier to deal with the failure of chewing and spitting than to deal with the failure of eating. And I am worried about gaining weight. I have already gained about a whole jeans size in one week and really don't want to gain anymore, but my hunger seems out of control again. Maybe it's the butter causing cravings and/or weight gain.
So I finally went upstairs, got on my knees and all I could get out was, "help me...please help me". I don't know what is wrong with me today. I can't seem to focus on anything. I have books to read, Spanish to learn, shows to watch, but all I can think about is going to the store to get some nuts so I can chew and spit. And then what?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
on my knees
For months now I have quite frequently felt this overwhelming urge to get on my knees and pray. I don't think it's God indicating if I am not on my knees my prayers won't be answered, but more of a desperation and frustration in my heart. Yet most of the time I don't. Sometimes I don't even stop to pray when I have the overwhelming feeling. But last night I decided that I would start today. Something needs to happen with my health and more prayer can only help. Today I got on my knees and I plan on getting on my knees every day to pray.
After the fast last year, which wasn't a strict water fast after all, I started eating zero carb (ZC). It has been helpful in some respects but I still feel like crap most of the time. I don't understand why. Could it really all be related to candida overgrowth and/or die off? It's so confusing.
I lost weight through fasting and that helped me to feel better overall. With ZC I was able to maintain that weight loss for the most part. I did cheat a few times and that set me back every time. Over the holidays I chewed some sugar free gum and had some sugar free cough drops because I feel self-conscious about my bad breath. Both had aspartame and some claim that candida will feed even on aspartame. Maybe that's why I feel worse.
While in Germany last year November my heart rate issue started improving. I remember walking mom's dog one morning and realizing that my HR was normal. I was even on a slight uphill and it was only 90 bpm. I was THRILLED. This continued for a while when I got home and then suddenly - not sure exactly when - it got worse again. I guess it was sometime in December that it started getting worse. On 12.16. I had a septoplasty and it seems since then it's been even worse. I had stopped taking the beta blockers in October but for the last month have taken it again quite a few times.
It appears that some foods like palm oil and goose for example, are making it much worse, but it is so hard to tell. I still sometimes wonder if it's due to my thyroid medication (Cytomel) but I have even cut it out completely one day and still had HR issues the next morning. Last week it was 138 one morning just from getting out of bed. The next day it was only 90 getting out of bed. I can't figure out why and that is the hardest thing of all. I am so tired of being tired and short of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.
Other than the HR issue I felt really good about a week after surgery. I had great energy, I was positive, my appetite was fine, I was maintaining my weight. On 12.26. I felt so good it was 3 PM when I realized I hadn't taken my 11:30 AM dose of hydrocortisone. I didn't even feel like I needed it but I took it then and my evening dose a little later. Driving home from MIL's house I was so excited, telling DH how good I feel and that it's time to reduce the hydrocortisone even more. The next morning I woke up feeling miserable - swollen eye lids, pain, fatigue, puffy face, etc. I didn't know what happened but I felt like staying in bed all day. Since that day I have felt miserable every single day.
Since I am going to Germany and will be starting a 21-day medically supervised fast a week from tomorrow, I guess I should just try to forget about it for now. Maybe I just need to take my beta blocker so I can have a relatively normal day and assume that all this will be resolved during the 21 day fast. But I am scared. I am trying not to be but it's not easy. There seems to be nothing left to eat that doesn't cause some kind of reaction - usually not a pleasant reaction. Turkey and fish were the only things I tolerated, but as far as I can tell I am even reacting to turkey now. I have a headache daily. My eye lids are swollen daily. For some reason I have put on quite a bit of weight in just one week because my jeans have gone from hanging on me to clinging to me. Again, I have no idea why and it is all SO frustrating.
At this point I am not even asking God for healing all that much anymore. Mostly I am just asking him for answers. I just want to know WHAT is causing my health issues. Is it really "just" fungal and bacterial overgrowth? I would especially like to know if the heart rate issue is due to fungal overgrowth or die off. And I don't understand why I am not getting better. Granted I have had periods of improvement, but they are usually followed by huge setbacks. It seems other people on GAPS, ZC, and the like improve, have a small setback, then keep improving. I on the other hand feel I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Why?
The other question I have is regarding hormones. I am still on 40 to 80 mg of progesterone cream and also testosterone cream. Some doctors claim that excess progesterone feeds candida. Some claim any hormones, synthetic or bio-identical, will feed candida. I am in the process of weaning off the hydrocortisone, but should I also wean off the progesterone? I don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the doctors at the fasting clinic, but I don't know anything about them and whether I trust them regarding my hormones. Dr. Franklin in Austin feels I need to stay on them. He disagrees that progesterone accumulates in your fat cells and you have an excess. He says if you have too much it will show up on a blood test and mine has always been low. Then there's the whole debate on blood tests versus saliva tests for hormones. Some say one is better than the other and quite frankly I don't know what to believe anymore.
After the fast last year, which wasn't a strict water fast after all, I started eating zero carb (ZC). It has been helpful in some respects but I still feel like crap most of the time. I don't understand why. Could it really all be related to candida overgrowth and/or die off? It's so confusing.
I lost weight through fasting and that helped me to feel better overall. With ZC I was able to maintain that weight loss for the most part. I did cheat a few times and that set me back every time. Over the holidays I chewed some sugar free gum and had some sugar free cough drops because I feel self-conscious about my bad breath. Both had aspartame and some claim that candida will feed even on aspartame. Maybe that's why I feel worse.
While in Germany last year November my heart rate issue started improving. I remember walking mom's dog one morning and realizing that my HR was normal. I was even on a slight uphill and it was only 90 bpm. I was THRILLED. This continued for a while when I got home and then suddenly - not sure exactly when - it got worse again. I guess it was sometime in December that it started getting worse. On 12.16. I had a septoplasty and it seems since then it's been even worse. I had stopped taking the beta blockers in October but for the last month have taken it again quite a few times.
It appears that some foods like palm oil and goose for example, are making it much worse, but it is so hard to tell. I still sometimes wonder if it's due to my thyroid medication (Cytomel) but I have even cut it out completely one day and still had HR issues the next morning. Last week it was 138 one morning just from getting out of bed. The next day it was only 90 getting out of bed. I can't figure out why and that is the hardest thing of all. I am so tired of being tired and short of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.
Other than the HR issue I felt really good about a week after surgery. I had great energy, I was positive, my appetite was fine, I was maintaining my weight. On 12.26. I felt so good it was 3 PM when I realized I hadn't taken my 11:30 AM dose of hydrocortisone. I didn't even feel like I needed it but I took it then and my evening dose a little later. Driving home from MIL's house I was so excited, telling DH how good I feel and that it's time to reduce the hydrocortisone even more. The next morning I woke up feeling miserable - swollen eye lids, pain, fatigue, puffy face, etc. I didn't know what happened but I felt like staying in bed all day. Since that day I have felt miserable every single day.
Since I am going to Germany and will be starting a 21-day medically supervised fast a week from tomorrow, I guess I should just try to forget about it for now. Maybe I just need to take my beta blocker so I can have a relatively normal day and assume that all this will be resolved during the 21 day fast. But I am scared. I am trying not to be but it's not easy. There seems to be nothing left to eat that doesn't cause some kind of reaction - usually not a pleasant reaction. Turkey and fish were the only things I tolerated, but as far as I can tell I am even reacting to turkey now. I have a headache daily. My eye lids are swollen daily. For some reason I have put on quite a bit of weight in just one week because my jeans have gone from hanging on me to clinging to me. Again, I have no idea why and it is all SO frustrating.
At this point I am not even asking God for healing all that much anymore. Mostly I am just asking him for answers. I just want to know WHAT is causing my health issues. Is it really "just" fungal and bacterial overgrowth? I would especially like to know if the heart rate issue is due to fungal overgrowth or die off. And I don't understand why I am not getting better. Granted I have had periods of improvement, but they are usually followed by huge setbacks. It seems other people on GAPS, ZC, and the like improve, have a small setback, then keep improving. I on the other hand feel I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Why?
The other question I have is regarding hormones. I am still on 40 to 80 mg of progesterone cream and also testosterone cream. Some doctors claim that excess progesterone feeds candida. Some claim any hormones, synthetic or bio-identical, will feed candida. I am in the process of weaning off the hydrocortisone, but should I also wean off the progesterone? I don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the doctors at the fasting clinic, but I don't know anything about them and whether I trust them regarding my hormones. Dr. Franklin in Austin feels I need to stay on them. He disagrees that progesterone accumulates in your fat cells and you have an excess. He says if you have too much it will show up on a blood test and mine has always been low. Then there's the whole debate on blood tests versus saliva tests for hormones. Some say one is better than the other and quite frankly I don't know what to believe anymore.
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