Fell off the wagon again yesterday and paying for it today. This time it was the nut butter bars I made for Bob. I figured since they have Splenda in them I would be able to stay away from them, knowing what Splenda does to me. Nope! Ended up c/sing after lunch and after dinner then, as usual, totally regretting it. I didn't feel too bad when I woke up today but around 10 AM the oh so familiar headache, upper backache, and lower backache set in. Haven't gone away yet!
So far today has been good as far as eating is concerned. I had lamb and shrimp for lunch and will have the same for dinner. Our friend and petsitter L. is coming over for dinner tonight. We are grilling jalapeno stuffed shrimp wrapped in bacon, ribeye steaks, and some lamb steaks for me. L. is bringing a tossed salad and I am making haricot vertes sauteed in butter with spices I brought from Germany. The salad and haricot vertes are for L. and Bob. I am still doing ZC with fermented veggie juice.
Speaking of fermented veggies, I just started another batch of Sauerkraut. I have one batch that has been in the fridge for about two weeks now. In another 4 or 5 days I should be done with the juice from my fermented carrots and by that time the SK in the fridge should be perfect. I am planning on always having a batch in the fridge ready to go. It's just better if you put it in the fridge for 2 to 4 weeks after you are done fermenting it at room temperature.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Another Day 1
How many times am I going to start over? I *just* want to eat ZC with fermented veggies juice and be strict but for some reason I have been falling off the wagon. Yesterday started out pretty good (except for the horrible headache and backache!) and then throughout the day the cravings and insane hunger set in. I think it was the coconut milk kefir but I am not sure. That stuff is so good that I had a hard time stopping. I meant to eat a spoonful and ended up eating almost a whole cup. Then I ate more later. I noticed myself getting angry, craving sweets, and just wanting to eat, eat, eat. Eventually I gave in and was c/sing with the remaining coconut milk kefir mixed with flax seed meal and sweet 'n' low, and almond/coconut butter. I just wanted to get the rest of the coconut milk kefir out of the house but didn't want to eat even more. I was worried about eating too many calories and weight gain. I should have given it to the dogs but I was in that ED insanity at that point.
Today is a new day but it's not necessarily an easy day. I also measured my thighs yesterday and have gained 0.39 inches since about a week ago - actually, since last Saturday. That really frustrated me as well. I do think I have some fluid retention right now from die off, something I am eating, or from PMS. Not sure...I could be totally wrong, too, and it's simply weight gain. But that much in 5 days? How does that happen?
I do realize the insanity of all of this, the vicious cycle, trying just "one bite" then going overboard, deciding to *fast* (which is really starving myself due to fear of weight gain), deciding to eat less, giving in, feeling guilty, etc. If I didn't worry so much about gaining weight AND if I didn't have such an unrealistic view of myself, then doing GAPS would be a lot easier. I would go back to eating veggies since I am really not enjoying ZC. I get bored with the same taste and consistency over and over.
So I am *fasting* today. Whatever! Bob is going to see his dad so I will be here by myself all day. That could be good or bad. Sometimes I do great all day and then cave in the evening. Being hungry doesn't help. I also plan on going to Trader Joe's to get more coconut water to make kefir (don't like the taste so I don't go overboard like I do with coconut milk kefir) and I am already thinking about their almond/flax butter. Man I love that stuff but I will do my best not to even buy it. I should also get rid of the remaining almonds, flax seed meal, and homemade almond/coco butter I have in the pantry, but I have been using them to make stuff for Bob.
I hate to be negative but life SUCKS right now!
Today is a new day but it's not necessarily an easy day. I also measured my thighs yesterday and have gained 0.39 inches since about a week ago - actually, since last Saturday. That really frustrated me as well. I do think I have some fluid retention right now from die off, something I am eating, or from PMS. Not sure...I could be totally wrong, too, and it's simply weight gain. But that much in 5 days? How does that happen?
I do realize the insanity of all of this, the vicious cycle, trying just "one bite" then going overboard, deciding to *fast* (which is really starving myself due to fear of weight gain), deciding to eat less, giving in, feeling guilty, etc. If I didn't worry so much about gaining weight AND if I didn't have such an unrealistic view of myself, then doing GAPS would be a lot easier. I would go back to eating veggies since I am really not enjoying ZC. I get bored with the same taste and consistency over and over.
So I am *fasting* today. Whatever! Bob is going to see his dad so I will be here by myself all day. That could be good or bad. Sometimes I do great all day and then cave in the evening. Being hungry doesn't help. I also plan on going to Trader Joe's to get more coconut water to make kefir (don't like the taste so I don't go overboard like I do with coconut milk kefir) and I am already thinking about their almond/flax butter. Man I love that stuff but I will do my best not to even buy it. I should also get rid of the remaining almonds, flax seed meal, and homemade almond/coco butter I have in the pantry, but I have been using them to make stuff for Bob.
I hate to be negative but life SUCKS right now!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
More Die Off
I am not sure what the die off is from, but it's kicking my butt today. Plus I did not get much sleep last night because of that stupid bird outside our bedroom window. Woke up with a headache, upper backache, lower backache, and pain shooting down my thighs. That lasted most of the day. I am worn out, brain-foggy, and tired. I feel like I could go to sleep right now and it's only 6 PM.
I have also been very hungry again today which must be die off as well. I was going to cut back on ferments but one bite of the coconut milk kefir and I was a goner. Now I have had probably a whole cup and I may pay for that tomorrow. It's just so incredibly good.
I have also been very hungry again today which must be die off as well. I was going to cut back on ferments but one bite of the coconut milk kefir and I was a goner. Now I have had probably a whole cup and I may pay for that tomorrow. It's just so incredibly good.
Low Carb Pizza
I made this for Bob last night. It smelled incredible but he didn't like the crust. I am sure I would have loved it.
Crust:
- 1 1/2 cups flax seed meal
- 2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning mix
- 3 tablespoons oil
- 2 eggs plus 1 egg white
- 1 teaspoon parmesan cheese
- 1/2 C water (may have to add more)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Die off
Yesterday was a rough day. Sunday I was going through horrible die off. It caused cravings for sweets and insane hunger. Sometime after lunch I started snacking on almonds, then I had sip of Diet Coke, and it went downhill from there. I also ate close to 32 ounces of dairy kefir and coconut milk kefir. So yesterday I was in that dark place in my head that I just could not get out of. In addition, I was retaining a ton of fluid and everything felt tight on me. I was going to fast all day but then ate dinner with Bob - 2 lbs of ground pork. It's a vicious cycle.
I once again started over being strict on GAPS. I am eating meat, fat, bone broth, and taking fermented veggie juice plus water kefir, coconut water kefir, and bottled probiotics. I have been asking God to show me if doing "just" GAPS is all I need or if I need to figure out if there really is a stricture in my small intestine. Then yesterday I was exchanging emails with Millie and she shared that her husband had confirmed strictures (on scans) yet nothing he tried medically helped him. When he finally started GAPS AND stopped cheating, he healed. Maybe that's my answer from God.
I do want to stop going to doctors. I am so tired of sitting in waiting rooms, filling out paper work, answering questions, relaying my story over, and over, and over, but I am also scared. Although doctors have not helped me, and if anything made things worse, I am afraid to stop going and just do this on my own. I am afraid to trust Jesus.
I do see how my cheats, even though most of them have been with legal but more advanced GAPS foods, have kept me from healing faster. I see the regression when I give in to eating nuts for example. Most people don't believe this labeling it as orthorexia but that is so far from the truth it's not even funny.
So here I am again, starting over with diet, being strict, etc. It's only day 2 and I am feeling the die off. Not in the form of cravings but this time in the form of fatigue, headache, backache, and just feeling mentally worn out and stressed. I still wish I could just go away for a few months, like to my mom's house, and focus on nothing but healing my body. However, unless that is what God wants I don't think it will happen.
I once again started over being strict on GAPS. I am eating meat, fat, bone broth, and taking fermented veggie juice plus water kefir, coconut water kefir, and bottled probiotics. I have been asking God to show me if doing "just" GAPS is all I need or if I need to figure out if there really is a stricture in my small intestine. Then yesterday I was exchanging emails with Millie and she shared that her husband had confirmed strictures (on scans) yet nothing he tried medically helped him. When he finally started GAPS AND stopped cheating, he healed. Maybe that's my answer from God.
I do want to stop going to doctors. I am so tired of sitting in waiting rooms, filling out paper work, answering questions, relaying my story over, and over, and over, but I am also scared. Although doctors have not helped me, and if anything made things worse, I am afraid to stop going and just do this on my own. I am afraid to trust Jesus.
I do see how my cheats, even though most of them have been with legal but more advanced GAPS foods, have kept me from healing faster. I see the regression when I give in to eating nuts for example. Most people don't believe this labeling it as orthorexia but that is so far from the truth it's not even funny.
So here I am again, starting over with diet, being strict, etc. It's only day 2 and I am feeling the die off. Not in the form of cravings but this time in the form of fatigue, headache, backache, and just feeling mentally worn out and stressed. I still wish I could just go away for a few months, like to my mom's house, and focus on nothing but healing my body. However, unless that is what God wants I don't think it will happen.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
House Rules
I am reading a book by Jodi Picoult (one of my favorite fictional authors) called “House Rules”. The story is about a woman with two sons, one has autism. What I like about her books is that she narrates from each character’s perspective. Sometimes the same scene is described by two different characters. So I was reading a chapter the other day written from the autistic boy’s perspective. In it he writes about where he “goes” mentally and it really spoke to me. I talked about a black box in my head the other day but I think this describes it much better. From the book page 100:
“This is where I go, when I go:
It’s a room with no windows and no doors, and walls that are thin enough for me to see and hear everything but too thick to break through.
I’m there, but I’m not there.
I am pounding to be let out, but nobody can hear me.”
This is exactly how I feel. I can see myself going into my closet, getting on my knees, and crying out to God, but then I just don’t do it. I don’t know why, I just can’t or won’t. I function, I am polite, I take care of my husband, I feed/water my dogs, I mow the yard, I go to church….I do everything I am supposed to do. I am there but I am not really there. Physically I am, mentally and spiritually I am in that room without windows or doors. I hate how this feels. It’s a lonely place.
******************
Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor to discuss the results of the second stool test. This test showed that Klebsiella is gone, yeast is gone, still no growth of lactobacillus or bifidobacteria, and clostridia actually went up rather than down. Also, short chain fatty acids are still not optimal and sIgA, which was already really low, is even lower. The only suggestions he had was to go back on Culturelle to bring the clostridia down, to switch to his probiotic since a lot of people have success with it, and to add l-glutamine to possibly bring up the sIgA. I discussed the possibility of having a stricture of some sort in my small intestine and he said it’s possible. He was apologetic about the fact that my symptoms haven’t really improved much (if at all) and gave me the name of a gastroenterologist. He said the gastro could tell me what type of testing I might need to check for a stricture or adhesions. I am hesitant to go because the last highly touted gastro I went to told me I have IBS (this is after waiting 2 hours to see him and then him spending seven minutes with me) and gave me a prescription for Reglan and Sennoside. I tore both of them up.
Anyway, because I keep having this nagging feeling that there IS some structural issue, I guess I will go see this gastro. But while I was sitting with the doctor yesterday, and when I walked out, I was on the verge of tears. I had increased die off yesterday from going overboard on kefir the day before, AND I had woken up at 4 AM and was really, really tired. Part of me wants to stop going to doctors, but I am not sure I am ready for that yet. So to practically hear this doctor give up on me caused some anxiety. Millie has been encouraging me to just trust God and that he will heal me through GAPS. As I was running errands after the doc appointment I was wondering if this is the point God is bringing me to. Do I just stop and do GAPS and assume eventually it will heal my body? Do I keep pursuing the possibility of a structural issue? Two osteopaths in Germany told me I have a stricture. Actually, one said that “everything is sticking together”. Or do go back on Paragone in case there ARE parasites and my body just can’t heal with GAPS alone? I really don’t know what to do and of course being in that “room” described above, pretty much makes it impossible to hear from God.
I also felt very lonely yesterday because I desperately wanted to call someone and talk about the doctor’s appointment, but I didn’t know who to call. It made me feel like all that is left is God and that scares me because right now I don’t get any comfort from talking to God or reading the bible or going to church even. But again, is this the point God is trying to bring me to….where nothing is left but Him and my back of coping tricks is empty? I really don’t know.
“This is where I go, when I go:
It’s a room with no windows and no doors, and walls that are thin enough for me to see and hear everything but too thick to break through.
I’m there, but I’m not there.
I am pounding to be let out, but nobody can hear me.”
This is exactly how I feel. I can see myself going into my closet, getting on my knees, and crying out to God, but then I just don’t do it. I don’t know why, I just can’t or won’t. I function, I am polite, I take care of my husband, I feed/water my dogs, I mow the yard, I go to church….I do everything I am supposed to do. I am there but I am not really there. Physically I am, mentally and spiritually I am in that room without windows or doors. I hate how this feels. It’s a lonely place.
******************
Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor to discuss the results of the second stool test. This test showed that Klebsiella is gone, yeast is gone, still no growth of lactobacillus or bifidobacteria, and clostridia actually went up rather than down. Also, short chain fatty acids are still not optimal and sIgA, which was already really low, is even lower. The only suggestions he had was to go back on Culturelle to bring the clostridia down, to switch to his probiotic since a lot of people have success with it, and to add l-glutamine to possibly bring up the sIgA. I discussed the possibility of having a stricture of some sort in my small intestine and he said it’s possible. He was apologetic about the fact that my symptoms haven’t really improved much (if at all) and gave me the name of a gastroenterologist. He said the gastro could tell me what type of testing I might need to check for a stricture or adhesions. I am hesitant to go because the last highly touted gastro I went to told me I have IBS (this is after waiting 2 hours to see him and then him spending seven minutes with me) and gave me a prescription for Reglan and Sennoside. I tore both of them up.
Anyway, because I keep having this nagging feeling that there IS some structural issue, I guess I will go see this gastro. But while I was sitting with the doctor yesterday, and when I walked out, I was on the verge of tears. I had increased die off yesterday from going overboard on kefir the day before, AND I had woken up at 4 AM and was really, really tired. Part of me wants to stop going to doctors, but I am not sure I am ready for that yet. So to practically hear this doctor give up on me caused some anxiety. Millie has been encouraging me to just trust God and that he will heal me through GAPS. As I was running errands after the doc appointment I was wondering if this is the point God is bringing me to. Do I just stop and do GAPS and assume eventually it will heal my body? Do I keep pursuing the possibility of a structural issue? Two osteopaths in Germany told me I have a stricture. Actually, one said that “everything is sticking together”. Or do go back on Paragone in case there ARE parasites and my body just can’t heal with GAPS alone? I really don’t know what to do and of course being in that “room” described above, pretty much makes it impossible to hear from God.
I also felt very lonely yesterday because I desperately wanted to call someone and talk about the doctor’s appointment, but I didn’t know who to call. It made me feel like all that is left is God and that scares me because right now I don’t get any comfort from talking to God or reading the bible or going to church even. But again, is this the point God is trying to bring me to….where nothing is left but Him and my back of coping tricks is empty? I really don’t know.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Repeat
A week ago I repeated the stool test. Same one I did in March. Back then Dr. C had said I should see improvements in my symptoms. I haven't! So I am going on another fast, starting tomorrow. My plan is to do four days with clear veggie broth, water, and coconut oil, followed by five days of just water. And small amounts of coffee. I didn't wean off of it completely this time. I don't care...I am fasting anyhow to get rid of whatever is going on in my gut and then no more cheating.
This time I plan to "bombard" my body with probiotics while I am fasting. I already have a batch of water kefir on the secondary ferment (with apples) and another on the first ferment. I also have a jar of Custom Probiotics, Primal Defense, and Sauerkraut juice. I will drink/take as much as possible.
Results of the stool test should be in next week. Can't wait to see them.
This time I plan to "bombard" my body with probiotics while I am fasting. I already have a batch of water kefir on the secondary ferment (with apples) and another on the first ferment. I also have a jar of Custom Probiotics, Primal Defense, and Sauerkraut juice. I will drink/take as much as possible.
Results of the stool test should be in next week. Can't wait to see them.
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