Yesterday sucked. The whole day was a struggle. Starting some time in the afternoon I wanted to chew and spit. I didn't get back down on my knees, but I kept praying silently. I asked God to help me. This is where I don't understand 12 step programs. If *I* am powerless and I am asking God to help me, then why did I end up chewing and spitting anyhow which I now totally regret? I even called a friend but she was working on finances with her husband so I didn't want to bother her. At 6:30 PM I drove to the store, bought a bag of walnuts, came home, ground them into walnut butter, and then sat at my laptop for a while with the bowl of walnut butter next to me. I got a text message from Sarai. I could have told her then but I was too far gone. Even so, I sat there for about 30 to 40 minutes writing back and forth with Sarai and in the end gave in anyhow. I was so sure that I wasn't going to do it in 2010 yet here I am on day 10 already giving in.
Two weeks ago I was happy, had good energy, and overall felt pretty good. I woke up looking forward to the day ahead. Now I wake up and I feel this darkness and gloom like I did several months ago. I wish I could just go back to sleep and stay asleep until all this is over. The question is, WILL it ever be over? Why is my health not improving? If it's fungal overgrowth, why isn't it getting better? Is it a spiritual attack and if so, will Satan ever let up?
Not only do I feel dark and gloomy, but I am void of any emotion. Back in November when I started feeling better I also felt more connected to God, could think more clearly, and had more compassion. Now I feel no connection to God and nothing seems to phase me one way or another. A friend posted on FB that one of her friends' 10 year old daughter is having open heart surgery today. She asked for prayer. I felt nothing when I read it. How can I be so cold? How can I not care about a little girl having such a dangerous procedure?
So here I am...starting over once again. Determined not to give in to my eating disorder anymore. How many times have I said this? I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. It's not living.
I would really like to talk about this on the ZC forum, but I am "afraid" of the bashing I am going to get. One of the members assumed right away that I wasn't going to make it then was impressed when I was still there after a month. Who says something like that? And so many of the women with EDs on there are doing really well yet I am not. I am still chewing and spitting. It's embarrassing. But I thought it would be really helpful if I had an accountability partner FROM the ZC forum. I am not sure anybody would be up for it but I'll never find out because I am afraid to post about my slip up yesterday.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
rough day
I woke up around 5 AM but stayed in bed for another hour. I was drifting in and out of sleep. Every time I woke up I prayed for people. When I finally got up I did not get on my knees to pray. It wasn't until later, while I was out running errands, that I realized I had already forgotten to do it. As I was driving I decided to do so as soon as I got home. That didn't happen.
Last night I had decided to start my fast today. I figure if I make it the seven days until I check into the clinic then maybe I can cut my clinic stay short. Not that I don't think it would be nice to stay there, but it would give me more time with mom and it would cost less money. I did pretty good until I got back from grocery shopping. I figure a little butter won't hurt which I followed with some veggie broth. I also bought a bunch of veggies to make more broth. About an hour later I was going to put the buffalo ribs and grouper I had cooked yesterday in the freezer but ended up eating them. That just frustrated me and immediately I wanted to chew and spit. WTH??
I guess emotionally it would have been easier to deal with the failure of chewing and spitting than to deal with the failure of eating. And I am worried about gaining weight. I have already gained about a whole jeans size in one week and really don't want to gain anymore, but my hunger seems out of control again. Maybe it's the butter causing cravings and/or weight gain.
So I finally went upstairs, got on my knees and all I could get out was, "help me...please help me". I don't know what is wrong with me today. I can't seem to focus on anything. I have books to read, Spanish to learn, shows to watch, but all I can think about is going to the store to get some nuts so I can chew and spit. And then what?
Last night I had decided to start my fast today. I figure if I make it the seven days until I check into the clinic then maybe I can cut my clinic stay short. Not that I don't think it would be nice to stay there, but it would give me more time with mom and it would cost less money. I did pretty good until I got back from grocery shopping. I figure a little butter won't hurt which I followed with some veggie broth. I also bought a bunch of veggies to make more broth. About an hour later I was going to put the buffalo ribs and grouper I had cooked yesterday in the freezer but ended up eating them. That just frustrated me and immediately I wanted to chew and spit. WTH??
I guess emotionally it would have been easier to deal with the failure of chewing and spitting than to deal with the failure of eating. And I am worried about gaining weight. I have already gained about a whole jeans size in one week and really don't want to gain anymore, but my hunger seems out of control again. Maybe it's the butter causing cravings and/or weight gain.
So I finally went upstairs, got on my knees and all I could get out was, "help me...please help me". I don't know what is wrong with me today. I can't seem to focus on anything. I have books to read, Spanish to learn, shows to watch, but all I can think about is going to the store to get some nuts so I can chew and spit. And then what?
Saturday, January 9, 2010
on my knees
For months now I have quite frequently felt this overwhelming urge to get on my knees and pray. I don't think it's God indicating if I am not on my knees my prayers won't be answered, but more of a desperation and frustration in my heart. Yet most of the time I don't. Sometimes I don't even stop to pray when I have the overwhelming feeling. But last night I decided that I would start today. Something needs to happen with my health and more prayer can only help. Today I got on my knees and I plan on getting on my knees every day to pray.
After the fast last year, which wasn't a strict water fast after all, I started eating zero carb (ZC). It has been helpful in some respects but I still feel like crap most of the time. I don't understand why. Could it really all be related to candida overgrowth and/or die off? It's so confusing.
I lost weight through fasting and that helped me to feel better overall. With ZC I was able to maintain that weight loss for the most part. I did cheat a few times and that set me back every time. Over the holidays I chewed some sugar free gum and had some sugar free cough drops because I feel self-conscious about my bad breath. Both had aspartame and some claim that candida will feed even on aspartame. Maybe that's why I feel worse.
While in Germany last year November my heart rate issue started improving. I remember walking mom's dog one morning and realizing that my HR was normal. I was even on a slight uphill and it was only 90 bpm. I was THRILLED. This continued for a while when I got home and then suddenly - not sure exactly when - it got worse again. I guess it was sometime in December that it started getting worse. On 12.16. I had a septoplasty and it seems since then it's been even worse. I had stopped taking the beta blockers in October but for the last month have taken it again quite a few times.
It appears that some foods like palm oil and goose for example, are making it much worse, but it is so hard to tell. I still sometimes wonder if it's due to my thyroid medication (Cytomel) but I have even cut it out completely one day and still had HR issues the next morning. Last week it was 138 one morning just from getting out of bed. The next day it was only 90 getting out of bed. I can't figure out why and that is the hardest thing of all. I am so tired of being tired and short of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.
Other than the HR issue I felt really good about a week after surgery. I had great energy, I was positive, my appetite was fine, I was maintaining my weight. On 12.26. I felt so good it was 3 PM when I realized I hadn't taken my 11:30 AM dose of hydrocortisone. I didn't even feel like I needed it but I took it then and my evening dose a little later. Driving home from MIL's house I was so excited, telling DH how good I feel and that it's time to reduce the hydrocortisone even more. The next morning I woke up feeling miserable - swollen eye lids, pain, fatigue, puffy face, etc. I didn't know what happened but I felt like staying in bed all day. Since that day I have felt miserable every single day.
Since I am going to Germany and will be starting a 21-day medically supervised fast a week from tomorrow, I guess I should just try to forget about it for now. Maybe I just need to take my beta blocker so I can have a relatively normal day and assume that all this will be resolved during the 21 day fast. But I am scared. I am trying not to be but it's not easy. There seems to be nothing left to eat that doesn't cause some kind of reaction - usually not a pleasant reaction. Turkey and fish were the only things I tolerated, but as far as I can tell I am even reacting to turkey now. I have a headache daily. My eye lids are swollen daily. For some reason I have put on quite a bit of weight in just one week because my jeans have gone from hanging on me to clinging to me. Again, I have no idea why and it is all SO frustrating.
At this point I am not even asking God for healing all that much anymore. Mostly I am just asking him for answers. I just want to know WHAT is causing my health issues. Is it really "just" fungal and bacterial overgrowth? I would especially like to know if the heart rate issue is due to fungal overgrowth or die off. And I don't understand why I am not getting better. Granted I have had periods of improvement, but they are usually followed by huge setbacks. It seems other people on GAPS, ZC, and the like improve, have a small setback, then keep improving. I on the other hand feel I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Why?
The other question I have is regarding hormones. I am still on 40 to 80 mg of progesterone cream and also testosterone cream. Some doctors claim that excess progesterone feeds candida. Some claim any hormones, synthetic or bio-identical, will feed candida. I am in the process of weaning off the hydrocortisone, but should I also wean off the progesterone? I don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the doctors at the fasting clinic, but I don't know anything about them and whether I trust them regarding my hormones. Dr. Franklin in Austin feels I need to stay on them. He disagrees that progesterone accumulates in your fat cells and you have an excess. He says if you have too much it will show up on a blood test and mine has always been low. Then there's the whole debate on blood tests versus saliva tests for hormones. Some say one is better than the other and quite frankly I don't know what to believe anymore.
After the fast last year, which wasn't a strict water fast after all, I started eating zero carb (ZC). It has been helpful in some respects but I still feel like crap most of the time. I don't understand why. Could it really all be related to candida overgrowth and/or die off? It's so confusing.
I lost weight through fasting and that helped me to feel better overall. With ZC I was able to maintain that weight loss for the most part. I did cheat a few times and that set me back every time. Over the holidays I chewed some sugar free gum and had some sugar free cough drops because I feel self-conscious about my bad breath. Both had aspartame and some claim that candida will feed even on aspartame. Maybe that's why I feel worse.
While in Germany last year November my heart rate issue started improving. I remember walking mom's dog one morning and realizing that my HR was normal. I was even on a slight uphill and it was only 90 bpm. I was THRILLED. This continued for a while when I got home and then suddenly - not sure exactly when - it got worse again. I guess it was sometime in December that it started getting worse. On 12.16. I had a septoplasty and it seems since then it's been even worse. I had stopped taking the beta blockers in October but for the last month have taken it again quite a few times.
It appears that some foods like palm oil and goose for example, are making it much worse, but it is so hard to tell. I still sometimes wonder if it's due to my thyroid medication (Cytomel) but I have even cut it out completely one day and still had HR issues the next morning. Last week it was 138 one morning just from getting out of bed. The next day it was only 90 getting out of bed. I can't figure out why and that is the hardest thing of all. I am so tired of being tired and short of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.
Other than the HR issue I felt really good about a week after surgery. I had great energy, I was positive, my appetite was fine, I was maintaining my weight. On 12.26. I felt so good it was 3 PM when I realized I hadn't taken my 11:30 AM dose of hydrocortisone. I didn't even feel like I needed it but I took it then and my evening dose a little later. Driving home from MIL's house I was so excited, telling DH how good I feel and that it's time to reduce the hydrocortisone even more. The next morning I woke up feeling miserable - swollen eye lids, pain, fatigue, puffy face, etc. I didn't know what happened but I felt like staying in bed all day. Since that day I have felt miserable every single day.
Since I am going to Germany and will be starting a 21-day medically supervised fast a week from tomorrow, I guess I should just try to forget about it for now. Maybe I just need to take my beta blocker so I can have a relatively normal day and assume that all this will be resolved during the 21 day fast. But I am scared. I am trying not to be but it's not easy. There seems to be nothing left to eat that doesn't cause some kind of reaction - usually not a pleasant reaction. Turkey and fish were the only things I tolerated, but as far as I can tell I am even reacting to turkey now. I have a headache daily. My eye lids are swollen daily. For some reason I have put on quite a bit of weight in just one week because my jeans have gone from hanging on me to clinging to me. Again, I have no idea why and it is all SO frustrating.
At this point I am not even asking God for healing all that much anymore. Mostly I am just asking him for answers. I just want to know WHAT is causing my health issues. Is it really "just" fungal and bacterial overgrowth? I would especially like to know if the heart rate issue is due to fungal overgrowth or die off. And I don't understand why I am not getting better. Granted I have had periods of improvement, but they are usually followed by huge setbacks. It seems other people on GAPS, ZC, and the like improve, have a small setback, then keep improving. I on the other hand feel I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. Why?
The other question I have is regarding hormones. I am still on 40 to 80 mg of progesterone cream and also testosterone cream. Some doctors claim that excess progesterone feeds candida. Some claim any hormones, synthetic or bio-identical, will feed candida. I am in the process of weaning off the hydrocortisone, but should I also wean off the progesterone? I don't know what to do. I guess I could ask the doctors at the fasting clinic, but I don't know anything about them and whether I trust them regarding my hormones. Dr. Franklin in Austin feels I need to stay on them. He disagrees that progesterone accumulates in your fat cells and you have an excess. He says if you have too much it will show up on a blood test and mine has always been low. Then there's the whole debate on blood tests versus saliva tests for hormones. Some say one is better than the other and quite frankly I don't know what to believe anymore.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
::day 3::
Today is my third day of water fasting and I really want some coffee or green tea. The first two days were relatively easy and I even exercised, but today I am feeling it. My whole body is achy, I am tired, my tongue has a white coating on it, and I have a headache. I doubt I will be able to exercise today. I am wondering if I need to switch to broth/tea/water fasting rather than just water fasting. Or maybe do 2 days with broth/juice and then 2 days with just water.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
::SIBO::
I finished a 7-day course of Xifaxan (an antibiotic used for the treatment of SIBO - Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth) along with an antifungal and it has done absolutely nothing for me. I still look like I am 3 months pregnant when I wake up and I look about 6 to 7 months pregnant after I eat and feel absolutely miserable.
My next step - I think - will be a 14 day water fast. I really don't know what else to try.
My next step - I think - will be a 14 day water fast. I really don't know what else to try.
Monday, May 4, 2009
::back to reality::
I have spent most of my life unaware. I don't remember about 98% of my childhood, or my teenage years, twenties, and to some degree my thirties are a blurr. For a while it had gotten better but here lately I feel like I am "gone" again - I mean mentally.
Today I was sitting at my laptop and I realized that I spend most of my day in denial. I read and hear so much about how we need to think positive thoughts and focus on what we want rather than what we have, but it sure hasn't gotten me anywhere. I was perfectly happy and positive last year when my health was improving and then suddenly it started going down hill. Now I tell myself all day long that I AM getting better or that I am already healthy and then at one point reality hits.
I am NOT healthy right now and every day is an effin struggle. There I said it. I wake up wishing the day was over. I get on my knees and beg God to give me wisdom and clarity and to lead me to the person who can at least tell me WHY I have the symptoms I have. I break down and cry, asking Him for something, ANYTHING. I get nothing. I feel numb, disappointed, angry, scared, discouraged, frustrated, and ready to give up.
Is it a surprise that I live in denial more often than not?
Today I was sitting at my laptop and I realized that I spend most of my day in denial. I read and hear so much about how we need to think positive thoughts and focus on what we want rather than what we have, but it sure hasn't gotten me anywhere. I was perfectly happy and positive last year when my health was improving and then suddenly it started going down hill. Now I tell myself all day long that I AM getting better or that I am already healthy and then at one point reality hits.
I am NOT healthy right now and every day is an effin struggle. There I said it. I wake up wishing the day was over. I get on my knees and beg God to give me wisdom and clarity and to lead me to the person who can at least tell me WHY I have the symptoms I have. I break down and cry, asking Him for something, ANYTHING. I get nothing. I feel numb, disappointed, angry, scared, discouraged, frustrated, and ready to give up.
Is it a surprise that I live in denial more often than not?
Friday, May 1, 2009
::life::
I wonder why some people have a seemingly great life while others struggle along and are hit with one hardship after another. I realize I am throwing myself a pity-party here, but I am wondering when it gets better. When does life become enjoyable? When do I wake up looking forward to the day rather than wondering how I am going to make it through the day today.
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